R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Do you know what it means to him?

A little while ago, Ethan and I were having a discussion respect and men and I asked the question (which I thought in all honesty, was super simple):

“What would you want more—love or respect?”

Now don’t get me wrong, while both are equally important, I have to admit, his answer surprised me:

“Respect.”

In a horribly-failed attempt to ensure my facial expressions didn’t look crazy, we embarked on a very insightful conversation…a conversation I had no idea I so desperately needed.

During our conversation, we talked with our married couple friends and of course we discussed the Bible. For this topic, I love Ephesians 5:22-33 for this very reason. This passage talks about what men and women should do as wives and husbands in a Godly marriage. When I read verse 33, I noticed that the Bible tells husbands to love their wives. As women, we crave love from our husbands. We need it…without it, we literally lose our minds. It doesn’t tell husbands to respect their wives because it’s something that’s already engrained in them to do. It’s the same interesting thing with wives in this verse. When it comes to wives, God doesn’t tell us to love our husbands. He doesn’t have to because we’re lovers by nature. It’s engrained in us to love. We’re emotional creatures. But what it does tell us to do is to respect our husbands. Respect to them is what love is to us. As his wife, I’ve learned that if Ethan doesn’t feel respected, he can’t function. When he doesn’t feel respected, the space that he has to flourish is taken away.

Throughout the conversation, I realized time and time again that I haven’t always given Ethan the respect he deserves. Have I loved him? Of course I have. But I’ve loved him the way I wanted him to love me…not the way he needed to be loved…through respect. And to be honest, saying it out loud, hearing it from him…even writing that in this blog…breaks my heart and leaves me feeling so embarrassed. Here’s the one man on this earth that I can’t do life without and there are times he doesn’t feel loved by me because I do things that doesn’t make him feel respected. WOAH.

As a result of that conversation, I feel like I see things differently. I may not be perfect, but there are a few things I took away from that conversation about respect, what it means to men and what I can do to be a better wife for my king here on Earth.

1. Respect expresses a wife’s trust.  Plain and simple, respect can’t exist unless real trust exists first. When you trust him wholeheartedly, respect comes just as naturally as breathing. If we’re honest, sometimes we may not fully trust what our husbands are doing. But when you trust God to lead them, everything falls into place and respecting him becomes 1000% easier.
2.  When you respect  your husband, it gives him the space to believe that he can do hard things. I’m no expert, but from what I’ve seen from being with Ethan, being a man…a REAL man is hard. They have fears of failure and inadequacy just like we do. They may not admit it, but I’m sure they  doubt themselves from time to time and wonder if they can really give us the lives they truly believe we as their wives deserve. Giving him respect…speaking life into him as his wife and best friend helps to reduce those feelings. It all goes back to trust, but when you respect your husband, it breathes life into him and gives him exactly what he needs to go hard for you and the legacy you two are building.
3. Accept the fact that you married an imperfect man. Your husband isn’t perfect and you know what? NEITHER ARE YOU. If your husband makes a bad decision, avoid saying “I told you so.” As a matter of fact, just remember to always, ALWAYS…
4. Think before you speak. Sometimes I am amazed at how different Ethan and I are. Making some decisions can be especially hard when him and I think and reason so differently. I think a lot of times we as people think of things one-sided. Meaning we only see things from our individual perspectives. However as a wife, Ethan doesn’t need my opinion all the time. He doesn’t need my slick comments or any thoughts of mine that may come off as judgmental. Watching what you say is a total life saver. I’m not saying you should never share your thoughts…I’m just saying that from personal experience, sometimes it’s important to just shut up. Like Proverbs 21:23 says: “Watch your words and hold your tongue; you’ll save yourself a lot of grief.”

Respect. It’s what men yearn for. More than our touch, more than our affectionate snuggles and kisses…they want our respect. It shouldn’t be based on his performance at work, around the house or in the bedroom. Respect is something that should be given every single day, no matter what. By respecting him the way he needs and the way he deserves, I’m not only honoring him as the head of my house, but I’m honoring God.

This conversation, as hard as it was, really allowed me to see my husband’s heart and hear what he had to say. The gentleness and sincerity in his voice really struck a chord with me. There may be times where I stumble and fail, but like in every other part of my life, I’m chasing progress…not perfection. My only prayer is that God continues to work on me and makes me a better wife for him everyday.