I've been keeping journals since I was in the 3rd grade and I'm so glad to share some of my most intimate life moments with you here! Here, you'll find inspirational stories of clients, my journey as a wife and first-time mother and other adventures I have that makes my world go 'round. So please, sit back, grab some coffee ( or my personal favorite, a good ol' fashioned Arnold Palmer!) and enjoy exploring my latest work! Thanks for stopping by and happy reading!
I’m not a big talk show person. Mainly because I’m always busy, but a few days ago, I took the time to watch a clip from “The Real” where they were talking about baggage and…well, it really touched my heart. And it inspired me to have diarrhea of the mouth and say what has been on my heart for a while now.
I believe while some people may be better at hiding it than others, everyone…EVERYONE has something that they have struggled or are struggling with and for some reason we as women seem to be ones who carry the heaviest loads. Our insecurities get the best of us and I don’t know why we try to keep stuff in. Maybe it’s out of fear of being judged. Maybe it’s a fear of us being treated like an outcast. Or maybe it’s because we feel like if we strip ourselves down to the purest forms of our souls, the ones we love won’t love us back. But if it’s one thing I’ve learned over the past year or so it’s this: there’s no kind of freedom like the freedom that comes as a result of stripping down, taking off the masks and becoming vulnerable.
In that space…that is where our purest strength and beauty lies.
As the women from The Real began to share the dead weight they’ve carried around for years, I began to think about my own baggage. What has always been the one thing that I’ve struggled with?
ONE WORD: DOUBT.
I’ve always doubted myself. Even when I was a little kid, though people may not believe it, I had self-esteem issues. I hated my smile, didn’t like my hair and felt I was WAAAY to skinny. I wasn’t a “cool” kid and even when I got older, I was never “popular.” I truly believed I didn’t have what it took to be apart of the “in crowd.” I tried SO hard to impress my peers, that I began to lose confidence in who I was. Now as an adult, even when I felt like there were things I could do, I always seemed to find a way to talk myself out of it or begin to list reasons as to why I couldn’t do it. It didn’t matter that people outside of myself could see my potential and believed in me. It didn’t matter that I could quote Philippians 4:13 forwards and backwards.
You want in on a truth moment?
I DIDN’T BELIEVE IN MYSELF.
Fear and doubt were living rent-free in my head and when I looked in the mirror, all I would see was someone who had all the passion in the world, but just didn’t have the capability of executing major projects successfully.
Doubt and I have been at war for years now and while there are times he seems to win a battle or two, I refuse to let him win the war. I’m preparing to go into a significant chapter in my life. And you know what? Sometimes I find myself thinking:
-“OMG, I’m about to become someone’s wife. I hope I don’t ruin this man’s life…”
-“I’m getting ready to move halfway across creation. How in the world will my business survive?”
-” I’m no Sue Bryce or Katelyn James. Do I have what it takes to succeed?”
– “God…you want me to do WHAT?!?? Oh no…I can’t do that. Nope…let’s try that again.”
When I hear the words “I can’t” being broadcasted in my mind, there’s a fire in my belly that stirs. The truth of the matter is: doubt can’t go where I’m going. And I know it because God has said it to me multiple times…I just haven’t been listening. I haven’t been willing to submit. In order for me to get to where I need to be, I have let that stuff go and I get frustrated with myself because here I am, a child of God, caught up in humanyly-feelings, not exhibiting the faith that I read about. I don’t know about you, but when I give God the ULTIMATE side-eye, I feel like a failure. Seriously..I feel like it’s a one-way ticket to hell. All God is doing is giving me the desires of my heart. How dare I question Him. How DARE I run away and hide. While it may be normal to be nervous from time to time, having doubt only does absolutely NOTHING for me. It does absolutely nothing FOR US. The only thing it does is holds us back. Faith and fear can’t reside in the same mind, so answer me this: if we’re filled with fear…where has our faith gone?
Wherever it’s gone….it’s time to get it back.
I can’t speak for you, but as for me, this baggage of doubt has gotten heavy enough. For a while now, I’ve been working hard to lighten my load. And I’m at the point where I’m letting go of it all. I mean really let go of it all. I’ve had to make decisions over the past month or so and you know what? I DON’T know where it’s going to take me. I don’t know what testimony God is going to give me and I don’t know if “people” are going to agree with it. But, I don’t care. The older I become, the more seeking the approval of others and wanting to always impress those around me becomes more exhausting. I could care less about what others say about me because they don’t have the final say so. There’s absolutely NOTHING my peers can do for me that God can’t do for me, so there is not excuse as to why they should have that kind of power of over me and why I shouldn’t have more faith in God. Faith is kicking fear out. Faith in God, even if it is as small as a mustard seed, is better than any type of doubt every day of the week and twice on Sundays, soooooo…that’s where I am and that’s what it’s going to be. PERIOD point blank.
As women, our natural instinct is to want to impress other people, but what about impressing God? What about putting Him and ourselves first? While wisdom is fundamental, doubt is detrimental and you know what??
We. Don’t. Have. Time. We have WAY more important things to worry about and the truth is, this baggage…our struggles will NOT get us to where we need to be.
Listen. We all have our baggage.
But right here. Right now. No matter what it is…No matter how big or small it is…
It is time. to let. it go.